How to Revive Your Sex Life
SUCH a classic story, right? You meet your partner, you have an incredible sex life and then suddenly you realise: you’re just barely having sex anymore.
I went through the same thing myself last year. 😅
I want to share some insights on WHY sex life can dry up and HOW to revive it.
I spent 2 days on this article -it’s packed with gems. 💎💎💎
The thing is, we expect the ease of our sex life to carry on. For us to be wanting to rip our clothes off every single time.
Life doesn’t work that way. When my ex-partner and I realised we were barely having sex anymore, we had a good heart to heart and brainstormed. We considered:
The fact that I have been highly anxious recently
Whether it was my partner’s fault?
Whether we have different sex drives?
What our erotic blocks were
Whether we were speaking each other’s blueprints
Why sex was starting to feel effortful or script-like
....and some other catch-all solutions below. LETS TUCK IN!!!!
1. Feeling Stressed and Anxious
When you are stressed, your sexual “brakes” are slammed on. So of course you ain’t going anywhere. It doesn’t matter how much "accelerator" is applied (e.g. massages, sex toys, amazing blow job), you ain’t going anywhere if you are time pressured, carrying work stress or annoyed at your partner. If you have to get from -10 to 10, it's often the unsexy stuff that needs to be fixed first. Like brushing your teeth or washing your face.
Try “no expectation” activities that help you transition from stress to relaxation. It could be a bath, a therapeutic conversation, eating your favourite food, turning your phone off, being in a cosy environment. Think of it as switching off to turn on. We often make the mistake of addressing the accelerators (ways to initiate sex) but we should be addressing the brakes. Brakes are anything that your brain interprets as a good reason not to be aroused right now e.g. feeling sticky and wanting a shower, being worried about STI’s, your parents in the house etc.
2. It’s all my partner’s fault. Let me blame them.
Ok let me get real here.
The problem never lies with one person but BETWEEN the two partners in how they perceive and cultivate desire.
Often, the person experiencing lower desire starts to feel like THEY are the problem - they are "not enough". If you define yourself with low sex drive, you get stuck in that perspective (and don't give yourself the opportunity for desire to increase).
You think omg SOMETHING must be wrong with the relationship ...or with ME!
You feel guilty that you have "low desire", which reinforces the problem. And you end up in the blame cycle.
So my tip: it’s not the desire discrepancy that is the issue, it’s HOW you manage it! How you talk about it.
Initiate a conversation with your partner about desire. Have open-hearted curiosity towards each partner’s experience. Part of your conversation can be discussing the below 👇🏼
3. Do we have different sex drives?!
Does this sound familiar: You hook up with someone. You f**k like bunny rabbits, your sex drive matches each other!!! Then suddenly, as if overnight: you have a mismatch in libido.
Put your hands up if you’ve ever experienced this. 🙋🏼♀️*(I expect everyone).*
It makes sense: novelty & mystery is GREAT for feeding desire. So desire tends to drop off significantly when someone is with the same partner.
THIS. IS. NORMAL.
A mismatch in desire is more common than people being perfectly aligned. Partners are RARELY on the same page about how often to have sex, what time of day, what kind of sex etc.
In fact, the honeymoon stage can often mask this ‘incompatibility’ because the novelty is just SO GOOD.
So what happens?!
As you get to know someone, and share more roles outside of sex, our spontaneous desire starts to decrease, and our desire starts to work more “responsively” instead.
What’s the difference? 🤓 Spontaneous desire is when we see ****a naked body and BAM - we want sex. There’s a readiness to engage in sex in any context, without much stimulation. *This is a common misleading portayal of desire in movies.*🙅🏼♂️ **
🤓 Responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure. It’s where people want sex only AFTER sexy things are already happening. What are those specific sexy things? Well…..only you can answer that. ****
⚡⚡⚡ What can we learn from this?! ⚡⚡⚡
WE'RE WAITING FOR DESIRE TO HAPPEN FIRST, when we should be waiting for desire to happen last.
Create context first.
Create context first.
Create context first.
If you create the context, desire will emerge... so what is your ideal context?
Then educate your partner about your ideal context.
READ THIS QUOTE ♥️
“We often trust our partner’s opinions and ideas about our sexuality more than we trust our own. Especially if our partner’s sexuality is a better match with the standard narrative about how sex is “supposed” to work, we’re ready to believe that we’re broken.
But you know better now, and you know how to make the most of any desire style. Embrace responsive desire. Adore it. It asks that your partner help you in creating good reasons for you to be turned on. If you and your partner are different from each other, remember that neither of you is better or worse—even if one of you conforms more to the cultural standard. So you have to teach your partner about responsive desire. Say what contexts activate your accelerator (turn you on) and say what contexts hit your brakes (shut you off). Talk about the sexiest sex you’ve had together and what your partner can do to make it happen again.
It requires not simply being aware of how each person’s sexuality works, but also accepting and welcoming those sexualities, just as they are. It’s not how your sexuality works that matters; it’s how you feel about your sexuality. How your partner feels about theirs. And how you both feel about each other’s.” - Emily Nagoski
4. What is your partner’s biggest erotic block?
The clue to unpicking this is to examine your most recurring sexual fantasy ;) I might do an “add-on” class about this! In the meantime, here are the two most common erotic blocks:
Erotic Block for Women 👉🏼 Caretaking
Women are conditioned to take care of people around them. "I do for everybody" is a script women carry. 👩🏻🍼 Of course this is not **an aphrodisiac in bed. 🙅🏼♂️ How are we supposed to surrender into pleasure if we are trained to caretake? We need to be a little selfish to receive fully!
The answer is…. by feeling irresistible and desired. YES. This is a huge turn on for us.
.... (female sexuality is a little narcissistic. 😂)
This is why many women have fantasies of consensual non-consent. For example: being tied up and pleasured against their will. In this fantasy, you literally CAN'T caretake - you don't have a choice. It's sexy. I get it!
Erotic Block for Men 👉🏼 Predatory Fear
The block for men is the FEAR of being a predator. The fear of hurting their partner. Because of this, they place a LOT of emphasis on their partner’s response (to know they are not hurting). They hold back their inner wild animal.
How can you create a safe sex container to let out your wild sexual self? Talk to your partner about this. I imagine this is a mix of feedback/communication practice, plus an exploration of your fantasies!
"Sexual excitement requires that we momentarily become selfish and turn away from concerns about the other’s pleasure in order to surrender to our own, that we momentarily stop worrying about hurting or rejecting the other person". - Michael Bader.
5. Were we speaking each other's blueprint?
We weren’t. I was speaking energetic or sexual and he was speaking sensual. If this sounds like gibberish to you, then check out the Erotic Blueprints. It’s a framework that lays out the 5 different "languages" of how we like to be turned on. We all have different preferences for how we like to be approached. Wanna know your language? Listen to this podcast (I’ve linked it to you before!). This is usually a major AHA! for some couples. Conduct a somatic test to identify your primary & secondary blueprint.
6. Sex is starting to feel effortful or script-like
Ohhh I hear you. Sex can start to feel like a performance. A "going through the motions" kind of activity.
Or maybe it's the getting to it that feels like a struggle. A bit like dragging yourself to the gym!!!! You have to put in the effort....
We expect that it should happen with no effort. BUT sex is not a magical act that happens with no added input.
My advice? Redefine sex. Away from the "one size fits all" and towards the model of sex that works for YOU. Broaden your definition of sex - moving away from "penis in vagina". You could do this by having an intimate evening with NO GENITAL CONTACT. Re-remember how f*cking erogenous and creative the rest of the body can be. It also takes orgasm chasing away.
We often separate sex from other forms of pleasure -what about all the stuff in the middle!? Like:
🍊 an erotic massage
🍊 foreplay (we should call it ‘coreplay’)
🍊 watching your partner masturbate
These are all JUST AS VALID as penetration. Don’t put penetration on a hierarchy.
The other way to activate desire could be to try a sex menu, attend tantra workshops, go to a play party, geek on the wheel of consent together (workshops are held globally, online or by me occasionally) or have a threesome! ;)
Or click on the toggle for for some spicy ideas:
🦸🏻 Some other catch-all solutions
💸 Build Sexual Currency
If you don't know how to bridge the gap from nothing to wild sex life, build SEXUAL CURRENCY. Look at the other parts of your relationship that feed your sex life: a glance across a crowded room, flirty comments "you look hot", a passionate kiss when leaving the house. Building that relationship culture makes more difference to your sex life. Sexual currency is a trigger for arousal and desire. It provides a nice scaffolding between the non-sexual stuff and sexual stuff.
🤸🏻♀️ Micro Dates
Rather than aim for some grand epic sex in a hotel bedroom with toys, candles & tantric breath-work, why don’t you lower this anxiety-inducing & high-expectation sex, and have micro dates? It’s more achievable, and helps breathe romantic moments into otherwise busy days!
Check these examples (click arrow)👇🏼
🚿 Kettle kissing - kiss for the duration of the kettle boiling. Punctuate your whole day with romantic kisses :) 🚿 Cut loose and get silly - do something physical that makes you laugh and therefore brings you pleasure.
🚿 Pick a book as a pair and take turns reading a few pages to each other throughout the week
🚿 Make a pact that whatever you’re doing when the sun goes down, you’ll hold hands for 5 mins and look at the sky
🚿 Buy cheap art supplies and draw together - doesn’t matter if you’re unskilled at drawing. It breaks the routine & its an opportunity for conversation
🚿 It could even be imperfect life drawings of each other ;)
🚿 Whenever you’re having dinner - just add candles! It’s so easy & changes ambience.
🚿 When your partner comes home, go for a walk around the block for 15 mins! Get that stress from the day out during a stroll. It’s also a nice transition, which might put you more in the mood for love/sex! Agree that when you come back and close the door home for the second time, it’ll be more relaxed.
Think: what are the mini things you can do? And let the rest organically follow.... Remember not all these ideas will be for everyone!
💁🏼♀️ Prioritise Sex and YES, Schedule it!
Those couples that have good sex, prioritise sex.
Planning and scheduling sex is the most important to sustain long term sexual connection - Emily Nagoski
Couples expect their sex life to be great, if their relationship is great. They are perplexed by their incompatibility or sexual problems. 😵💫😬 But why do we EXPECT sex to work automatically!? Why?? We don’t seem to do this in other areas of our life. For example, we don’t expect to improve in our professional lives if we don’t work at it...🤨
If we start thinking of sex as something we inherently(ALWAYS) have to work on (without seeing it as the failure of a certain person) then we’ll greet those inevitable problems with more positivity and calm.
And.... I don’t believe in just ‘maintenance sex’ - don’t force yourself. But just know that sexual fulfilment is cultivated, not found. 😏😉
HOPE THAT’S HELPFUL ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Love
Haneen x
